You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i need some magic done to my vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
