I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
