That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
