New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
