i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
