I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
