I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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