my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
