i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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