I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
