Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
