How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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