; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
