my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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