Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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