highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
