Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
