Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
