My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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