i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
