There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
