Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
