you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
