Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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