My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
