it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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