I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
