Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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