last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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