I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
