How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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