How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
