i love accidental penises.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
