Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well I just put wine in my tea
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize