Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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