Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
