I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
