If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Randomize
