I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
