Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So apparently I’m into choking now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
