What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
