Where did you get a picture of my penis
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
