Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
