Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
