she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
