He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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