Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
