Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
