im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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