Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
