Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
