I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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