happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
