Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
