Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
