So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
