Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
