I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
