Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
